The Breakup πŸ’”

I contemplated whether writing this post is something I wanted to do and for the longest time I didn’t think I needed to write it. I don’t owe anyone an explanation and I’m not writing this for sympathy. I write and share because I want to help and support anyone else going through a similar situation.

I was broken up with via a text message one Monday evening in April 2018. It is my first heartbreak experience as he was my first boyfriend. The breakup was a shock but after what led to the breakup I wasn’t surprised it happened. It still saddened me. My ex-boyfriend and I had been together for the best part of two years and during that time he was my rock. We talked every day, I felt like I had a true best friend who wanted the best for me and I wanted the best for him. We never argued or fought and in a number of ways I couldn’t ask for a better first relationship. I knew I could talk to him about anything, I could be serious, I could be sad, I could be goofy and he got all of me. I felt a sense of comfort with him that I don’t feel around many people. He made me feel beautiful and he was kind. Naively, I didn’t think he would hurt me the way he did.

We weren’t a typical couple in every aspect and I appreciate that. We didn’t go out for dinner or to restaurants (we’re both fussy eaters), we didn’t take many pictures together (not because we didn’t want to) and we never had romantic time away, we just wanted to be around each other and watch movies or eat pizza and talk and laugh. We always showed affection with touches or cuddles and I would do cute little things like leave the toilet seat up after I’d used it and pull the bed up in the morning. We were a team and it’s nice to have that constant support and sense of belonging and being important to someone. We knew we could rely on each other and we didn’t let the other one down. He was never late to pick me up, he didn’t try to make excuses not to see me, we wanted to be together as much as we could, we were so in love!

When you go from all of that to nothing within a couple of days, it’s terrifying and you ask yourself so many questions. Maybe there were times I could have been a better girlfriend but I know I loved him with all of my heart and I made sure I showed it. Quite soon after the breakup I concluded I loved him more than he loved me and he meant more to me than I did to him or else he wouldn’t have let this happen. I’m not saying his love for me wasn’t real but it was a different kind of love. He was my everything and I also questioned if that’s where I went wrong – making someone my whole world. The more I think about it the more I realise that’s what love is, you’d do anything for that person and their happiness is your happiness. I wasn’t scared to find love for the first time but part of me is scared to find it now.

So, how did it all end? I believe the relationship ended because another person got involved, not because either of the two people in the relationship actually wanted it to. It’s almost as if the decision was forced on him and he could only see the relationship working how it had been and if that changed it wouldn’t work anymore. Two days before the Monday I got the text about “going our separate ways” my ex-boyfriend dropped me home and less than two hours later I received hurtful text messages from his mother. These messages were threatening to say the least and I was accused of being heartless, thinking myself superior, driving a wedge between her and her son, going around destroying families and treating her home like a hotel. She also said she only put up with me because she loves her son. I still struggle with the fact that she never approached me prior to the messages or said anything to my face despite me being in her home hours earlier. I didn’t retaliate to the messages and kept calm but now part of me wishes I had and maybe I would have got to the bottom of everything.

Two days after I was broken up with my ex-boyfriend came to drop off a few things and say ‘goodbye’ and I read out a letter I’d written. I’ve kept the letter and one of the lines I wrote says part of me will love him forever. You always remember your first love and I wish it hadn’t ended the way it did. What hurts me now is not what I was accused of because I know it’s not true but that he didn’t think I was worth fighting for. I need someone who goes after what they truly want and isn’t afraid to fight when things get hard. Love isn’t always easy and I hope he is happy with his choice because I know he won’t find another Chanelle. I’m not perfect and he may not want another Chanelle but I know I am honest and dependable and a good person with a heart so full of love who never wants to hurt anyone else. I would never have hurt him if it had been the other way round and my mum had sent him the kind of messages I got.

You’re constantly reminded of that person and it’s hard when you don’t hate them.Β I hate what he did and what he let happen but I don’t hate the person he is. What also makes it hard is the fact we didn’t cut contact with each other (told you we weren’t a typical couple). I haven’t heard from him for a couple of weeks now but we’re still Facebook friends and when we broke up he said he wanted to help if he could. Part of me knows I should let him go and from now on I’m going to try not to initiate conversation.

It’s not easy some days. I go through periods of not feeling good enough for anyone and wondering if I’ll find someone else but I know deep down I want to find love again because it’s beautiful. I’ve also experienced feelings of shame and guilt about not wanting to be kissed or touched and it will take time for those to subside and be brave and let someone in again. Going forward I will be even more cautious than I was before and I need to think of myself now.

My advice if you’re going through a breakup or something similar, cry and feel whatever you need to feel to get closure. Your emotions will be up and down and some weeks you’ll be fine until you get frustrated and want to cry and scream. Write down your feelings and even if you throw away the bits of paper afterwards, getting them out often helps and makes your mind feel clearer. Take time to do what you enjoy, my biggest love is music and sometimes singing sad lyrics doesn’t help but music will always be there for me. Confide in people you feel close to, I spoke to a few blogging friends (Claire, Dannii and Katie) shortly after the breakup and they were so kind and made me see this wasn’t my fault. I don’t know if I could have prevented the breakup but through talking to my ex it sounds like the same thing has happened before. He basically admitted if he was living by himself it probably wouldn’t have happened.

I don’t want to feel bitter and I don’t want to be a cynic but you never know when things could change and while that’s scary you can’t prevent it. When my breakup happened I described it as walking down a street and being hit by a bus completely out of nowhere. I don’t like that it happened and it didn’t need to happen the way it did. Try not to be an asshole in a world that is full of cruelty. Whether you’re in love, whether you’ve been hurt by love or whether you’re looking for it, always be kind and accepting.

There are positive things that have come out of this breakup, I’ve lost weight, I’ve bought a car and am starting to drive and I’m getting new glasses. I’m still kind, sweet Chanelle who loves to laugh and wear bold lipstick and no one can take that away from me!


A huge thank you to everyone for their support over the past few months. If you have any questions about this post or advice, please share in the comments!

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5 Important Relationship Lessons

It’s not a coincidence I’m sharing this post today. One year ago on September 7, 2016 my boyfriend and I met for the first time. To celebrate our one year anniversary I wanted to share what being in a relationship has taught me and advice my younger self would appreciate.

Let me briefly recap my relationship for those of you who aren’t aware. This is my first ever relationship, I hadn’t had experience with boys before. My focus was school and boys weren’t a priority. I knew I liked boys but I didn’t have male friends and wasn’t in situations to talk to and meet boys. Fast forward a few years to August 2016, I was in a good place, I was happy, recently landed a new job and felt brave enough to take the plunge and try this dating thing. Like lots of people my age, I joined Tinder. My experience was positive, I am a good judge of character and didn’t do anything I regret. After a couple of weeks my boyfriend and I met and we are as happy now as we were in the beginning. 

I am quite private when it comes to our relationship, people know it exists but I don’t talk too much about it.

 So, what has the relationship taught me?

1. Be Yourself

This one is a cliche but it’s true! I can truly say I am an individual and I do things my way and don’t follow everyone else. When I was on Tinder I didn’t feel like I had to act a certain way to get attention or say funny things to make conversation. I’m not afraid to be honest and say what I think. When you act naturally you feel comfortable and the other person picks up on that.

2. Don’t Overthink

Prior to my relationship I was worried I wouldn’t know what I was doing and worried about how I was supposed to act and how relationships work. I stopped that very quickly and actually feel like I’m a natural now. Don’t rush into anything, take your time – whether it’s working up to meeting someone, flirting or dating. Don’t commit to something if it doesn’t feel right and never give in to peer pressure. Know your mind and what you want and you won’t go wrong.

3. Respect One Another

I tend to think about things in a different way to other people. I don’t judge and when I ask questions it’s genuinely because I’m interested in what a person is saying. Listening to what people have to say, taking in that information and processing it is one of the greatest ways to show respect for someone. You feel valued and it makes you more open and willing to share if you know you’re going to be heard. Trust goes hand in hand with respect for me, if trust is not there you’re not going to feel respected and want to show respect. Respect feelings, respect choices but most of all respect what makes someone happy – who are we to judge people’s happiness?

4. True Happiness

Being in love feels wonderful and beautiful and makes you feel in ways you didn’t know you could. Happiness has been difficult for me in the past. Good things would happen but something would go wrong and leave me worrying about the bad rather than focusing on what’s good. Ever since I met my boyfriend I see things in a different way and focus more on simplicity and being happy in the present, happiness is a journey not a destination and all that. I’m grateful whenever we spend time together, we don’t have to do anything in particular, I just enjoy being with him. I’m grateful to have met someone who has become my best friend and I admire the sense of calm he possesses. 

5. Communication Is Key

From day one the communication between my boyfriend and I has always been strong. I don’t think a day has gone by where we haven’t communicated in some form. I’d like to think we have similar mindsets and we always make each other a priority. We always send good morning and good night messages, it literally is the ‘first thought in the morning and last thought at night’ thing. We’re cute if I do say so myself! Never have I been let down or felt I couldn’t rely on him. 


What have you learned from relationships – good or bad?

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Life Lately #2

Hi everybody! Hope you’re well! In April I wrote a post called Life Lately #1 rounding up what’s been happening and what’s going on. There have been some changes recently and I wanted to keep you all in the loop.

Blogging

Since I started my two posts a week routine on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have been sticking with it and manage to get two posts up nearly every week. I purchased a Canon 700D DSLR in July and purchasing that was an investment that got me excited to blog again. I have been experimenting with the camera and taking photos which have featured in posts on the blog.

Here are a couple I’m particularly proud of:

Work

In July I applied for a job at the city library. I was selected for an interview and offered a position a few weeks later. Things had been building up at my current job for a while and I felt some personal issues were getting in the way of my work. I was doing long hours (two 10 hour days) plus both weekend days and honestly I felt stuck in a rut. The library job was an easy decision for me, I’ve always loved books and reading and I even read at work. My last day of work was August 20 and I started at the library a couple of days later on August 23 – the day this post goes up! It was sad to say goodbye to the friends I made but I will go back to say hello and don’t want to forget them. I am excited for my new job and I hope it brings relief and less pressure/stress.

Personal

My boyfriend and I are still going strong and in September we celebrate our one year anniversary! I can’t believe how quickly that time has gone but I feel so lucky to have met him and had his support and presence the past 12 months. It’s also his birthday at the end of September and I have got something super special planned. (I am still debating whether it will get a blog post or not…)

Health wise I haven’t been as strict with my eating as I would like, some days I reach for the chocolate when I know I shouldn’t. I’ve felt self conscious of my weight, particularly around my neck. I have been monitoring my medication and stopped my antihistamine nasal spray as it contains steroids and that could contribute to the weight gain and affect my appetite making me want to eat more. My exercise routine has been haphazard but I’m hoping the new job will fix that and I’ll be able to get into a better routine and get back into a positive mindset.

Music

Two of my absolute favourite musicians are releasing albums in September; Shane Filan and Shania Twain. Both are huge inspirations to me and I always look forward to hearing new music from them. This is Shania’s first music in 15 years and Shane’s third studio album since Westlife split up in 2012.

Martine McCutcheon also released her first album in 15 years. Martine is a British singer/actress who you may recognise as Natalie from Love Actually – her most famous role. Martine had a string of top 10 singles in the 90s/00s and returned to the music scene this year with her album Lost and Found, written alongside her husband. The album has uptempo, rocky tracks mixed in with heartfelt ballads. I’m particularly loving the debut single, Say I’m Not Alone.

2017 Goals Progress

Related post: Hello 2017!

I briefly mentioned my exercise routine which I am hoping to get back into properly in the coming weeks. I continue to work on taking each day as it comes and this is one thing that requires a lot of effort – I am a constant worrier and always like to have things planned but I’m trying to get better! I haven’t been stressing about blogging and I don’t use social media a lot. I’d say I spend 1 hour at the most each day on social media (not including blog post writing). I have made a small amount of progress with driving. I reversed the car out of the garage and drove it back in twice. I will have more spare time with my new job so I want to put more effort into driving.


What’s been happening in your life recently?

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Life Lately #1

Hi everyone! I hope you’re all well!

I have seen these ‘Life Lately’ segments on other blogs and I always think they’re a nice way to round up what’s happening/what’s currently going on. I haven’t abandoned my blog but I’m not blogging regularly. I want to share what’s going on with me in different areas of my life and just have a bit of chat. Who knows, this could even turn into a little series?!

Blogging

I haven’t been blogging as much as I would have liked over the past little while. In November 2016 I wrote this post about motivation which explains the reasons why. These still apply (minus travel) but also there were family related incidents that cropped up in January and February. In March I feel like I got back into more of a routine with blogging and in general and over the next couple of months that will improve. Post ideas haven’t been jumping out at me so I want to make sure I have plenty up my sleeve and don’t run out. I don’t like posting for the sake of it.

Work

As you may know I started my current job in August 2016. I have been there nearly eight months now and in February my hours increased a significant amount. I haven’t had as much time to blog as a result but as I said I am getting into a better, more constant routine and naturally that spark will come back.

Personal

Relationship wise, everything with my boyfriend is good. It’s been seven months since we first met and I love spending time with him now just as much as I did at the beginning. We always make time for each other and I’m always thinking about him. We message each other every day and I love just being able to relax and chill out when I’m at his house.

I’m a person who can get frustrated and stressed very easily. I’m sensitive and can get upset over small, trivial details. A couple of times over the past few weeks I have worked myself into a mood and felt like I’ve been crying more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired or if it’s just the fact I’ve never been a go with the flow person and like to have things planned and organised. I’m still working on learning to care less and it’s something I’ve been trying to do for a number of years. Thankfully, I’ve got a lovely boyfriend on hand that I know I can share things with.

Music

I didn’t feel 2016 was a standout music wise but this year is shaping up to be so far! Two members of The Saturdays have released solo material. The styles of music are completely different but I’m a fan of both Una’s folky-country pop and Vanessa’s smooth R&B. I’m pretty sure Shania Twain is releasing new material this year, her first in over 10 years so I can’t wait to hear it! 90s/00s pop super-group Steps are also releasing an album of original tracks on April 21st – less than two weeks away! They released a new single last month and are touring The UK in November and December.

2017 Goals Progress

In my Hello 2017! post I set five goals for myself for the year. I am doing well with the majority of them. I have gotten back into using my Exercycle and I try to ride 10kms three-four times a week. I work weekends and evenings so I try to squeeze it in around that. I don’t mind that that is my main form of exercise. I haven’t done yoga for a long time and I can Exercycle while I’m watching TV and multitask. I haven’t been stressing about blogging, I’ve been getting posts up as often as I can. I have cut down on the amount of time I spend on social media. I check my accounts two or three times a day and if I have notifications I respond. It’s about quality rather than quantity, if I don’t have something worthwhile to share I won’t. I haven’t progressed much with my driving although I did drive my boyfriend’s car (which is a manual) about 5 metres and I didn’t stall it! That was my very first time controlling/moving a car.


At times lately it feels like my life is eat, sleep, work, and repeat. I’m trying to find a balance and get back into what I enjoy.

What’s been happening in your life recently?

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My First Valentine! β€

my-first-valentine

Whether you love it or hate it it was Valentine’s Day on Tuesday and I wanted to do a post about my first ever Valentine’s experience. Technically it’s my second (I had a dinner date with a girl friend last year) but my first in a relationship and with a boyfriend. I’ve always liked the idea of Valentine’s Day despite having always been single before. Some people might find the cards cheesy and the gifts gimmicky but I’m quite a soppy person (in a cute way) and it’s nice to have a day to celebrate love.

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months and while that’s still kind of new I always mention to him how many weeks/months it’s been since we met – each one is a little milestone! As you may know, this is the first relationship I’ve ever had and I’m so grateful everything has been positive and to share these experiences with someone like him because he’s truly lovely.

Presents

valentines-presents-boyfriend

I got my boyfriend a cute card covered in cats (we post cat memes and GIFs to each other’s Facebook walls all the time) and wrote a rather sweet message in it as well as a bag of Sour Skittles and a plush dog toy holding a heart. I joked the dog even has ginger hair like me!

valentines-presents-chanelle

I told my boyfriend he didn’t have to buy me anything as it was only my birthday three weeks ago and Christmas a month before that. He insisted on getting me a present and gave me a lovely card and one of his soft toys. He told me it’s one he’s had for a while and he wanted me to have it. It’s also a kitty; Jaguar to be exact! *melt*

Outfit

valentines-day-2017-outfit

It’s full on Summer in New Zealand so I wanted an outfit that was cute and weather appropriate. Last year I purchased a playsuit on ASOS and I have been loving it over the past month. I paired the playsuit with a cropped, sparkly, black cardigan.

Hair

valentines-day-2017-hair

I love the way my hair looks when it’s curled. I don’t curl it very often but I want to start making good use of the curler I got as a Christmas present from my brother. Curls don’t tend to stay in my hair for very long when I do it myself but I think I may have found a solution. I tied my hair in a ponytail and divided it into two sections. I curled one section at a time and when I untied my hair I had almost perfect curls. There were a few strands I missed but this method was so easy. I set the curls with hairspray which also made a difference.

Makeup

For makeup I based it on my recent Summer Makeup Menu which was inspired by peachy tones. I switched it up slightly and opted for more of a smoky eye and bronzed face as I wanted more glam.

valentines-day-2017-makeup-products

Products listed below in order of application:

  1. Simple Replenishing Rich Moisturiser
  2. Rimmel London Professional Eyebrow Pencil in 002 Hazel
  3. The Body Shop Vitamin C Energising Face Mist
  4. Max Factor CC Cream – 40 Fair
  5. Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer – 1 Fair
  6. The Body Shop Honey Bronzer in 01 Light Matte
  7. Maybelline ‘The Nudes’ Palette
  8. Rimmel Glam Eyes Day 2 Night Mascara
  9. Dainty Doll Powder Blush in 004 You Are My Sunshine
  10. MAC Patentpolish Lip Pencil in Revved

The Finished Look:

valentines-day-2017-makeup

Celebrations

My boyfriend picked me up in the afternoon (we hadn’t seen each other for 10 days, one of the longest times we’ve gone without seeing each other) and when we got to his we exchanged presents, I got given a red rose and caught up on cuddles. We talked and caught up with other, in between affectionate touches, before dinner; pizza if you’re wondering, and chocolate cake for dessert. We sat outside for a while (more cuddling) then went for an evening stroll around one of the lakes. The lighting was so nice after our walk, it was almost dark and my boyfriend described it as ‘atmospheric’ which suited it perfectly.

Overall, it was a beautiful day and I’m glad I had someone special to share it with!


How did you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

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Sixteen of ’16

sixteen-of-16At the end of 2015 I wrote a post called, Fifteen of ’15, sharing 15 of my personal highlights from the year. This year I have decided to do the same. Looking back over the past twelve months a lot has happened and in this post I’ll be sharing what I’ve loved about 2016, things I’ve achieved and experiences that have changed me.


#1 – 21st birthday

My birthday is in January so my year got off to an exciting start. 21 is one of those special birthdays and that’s exactly how mine felt. I did a Birthday Body Shop Haul, created a 21 Songs In 21 Years playlist and shared 21 Things I’ve Learnt In 21 Years. On my actual birthday itself the house was decorated and the dining table was covered in presents unbeknownst to me. At the end of the month mum and I went on a little break away to celebrate.

#2 – Going to a casino

This relates to #1. On my break away I went to a casino for the first time and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I’m not a gambler but it was fun to have a go on a slot machine. I’m even more pleased to say I won a decent amount of money too! I put in $10 and won $143.

#3 – Dannii For Target clothing

When Dannii partnered with Target I knew I would love her clothing range, which is designed for petites. Petite doesn’t mean size zero, it’s about proportions and the length of a garment. Petites goes up to size 16 so it caters for the curvier market too. Throughout 2016 I have made a few different orders and I am so impressed with the quality – of course the items fit like a glove. I wear my petites items all the time and I always look forward to what Target and Dannii bring out next!

#4 – Zayn – Mind of Mine

One album I have been playing non-stop this year is Mind of Mine by Zayn. I’m not a One Direction fan but I have always loved Zayn’s voice. I was curious as to what his album would sound like and it’s a mixture of sexy pop/R&B. I love this album so much more than I thought I would.

Corresponding post: Album Review: Zayn – Mind of Mine

#5 – Happiness Highlights

At the end of every month since May I have been sharing my Happiness Highlights. On my phone I keep a list and write down one thing that makes me happy each day. I started this after seeing it on Adele’s blog and I feel like it has made a difference to my mood and positivity. I will continue this into the new year so let me know if you’d like me to keep sharing.

#6 – Chanelle Hayley Turns 2!

In June I celebrated my two year blogging anniversary! I ran a giveaway to mark the occasion and it was a lot of fun. I hadn’t done one before so thank you for all the support and entries I received.

Corresponding post: [Closed] EXCITING Blog Giveaway!!!

#7 – Losing my job

This might seem odd to include in this post but let me explain why I have. For those of you who don’t know I used to work in a pharmacy. A month or so prior to losing my job I felt a change in myself that I didn’t like. I started to become shy and would barely talk and I felt like I couldn’t do my ‘job’ properly anymore. I will point out it wasn’t my decision to leave but going through that changed my attitude and I started to feel more confident again. As a result I did things I probably wouldn’t have done before and I’m glad I’ve done them.

#8 – Delta Goodrem – Wings of the Wild

Delta Goodrem is a singer I have listened to since I was 8 or 9 years old. I have always loved her music and writing style and her fifth album, Wings of the Wild is incredible! The album was released in July and like Mind of Mine I have been playing it non-stop. The lyrics are very empowering and it’s what I needed just after losing my job.

#9 – Passed driving test

It was just over a month between losing my job at the pharmacy and finding the job I have now. I decided the time was right for me to sit my Learner’s Licence test. It’s not that I don’t understand road rules but I never felt ready before. I sat the test on July 5th and passed with 33 out of 35. I haven’t quite started driving and sitting behind the wheel of a car yet but that’s next!

#10 – Alan Carr – Yap, Yap, Yap!

The month after I passed my driving test I went up to stay with my brother for a few days and the highlight of that trip was seeing a show by stand up comedian Alan Carr. I have loved Alan for years and used to adore his show Chatty Man (the earlier seasons were better). Alan was very funny and I’m pleased I went to the show. I sat in Row R but I still had a good view.

#11 – Flying solo

This goes hand in hand with #10. I mentioned I went up to stay with my brother and it made sense to fly up. It’s only a 40 minute trip and I didn’t have lots of luggage and I can’t drive so it was the logical option. I had never flown on a plane by myself before and a year ago I don’t know that I could have done it.

#12 – Boyfriend

In September I had the first date with my boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for almost four months now and he’s just so lovely. I don’t share too much about our relationship because that’s for us but I have been very happy over the past few months.

#13 – Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

This book is one of the best I have read in a long time! I purchased it a couple of months before I read it but I really enjoyed it and I can see myself re-reading this over again. I have also seen the film and read the follow up, After You.

#14 – Ellie Goulding Delirium World Tour

Without a doubt one of the best nights of my life! I saw Ellie on her Halcyon Days Tour in NZ in 2014 and that was my first ever concert which was super special! The show this time around was even more spectacular, the lights, dancers, staging and outfits were so well done. Ellie sounds magical live and she is such a natural performer.

#15 – Went shooting

This is less scary than it sounds I promise… my boyfriend and his dad have a keen interest in shooting and one day they took me out to the range they belong to. We were only shooting at targets and I’d never fired a gun before but I really enjoyed it. I didn’t know what to expect and once I got the hang of the different scopes I was fine. I did manage to hit the target a couple of times too. I also bought home a fragment of bullet as a keepsake.

#16 – Instax Camera

I only got this camera a month ago but I’m still in love with it! I’ve taken a couple of pictures now (one of which you may have seen on Instagram) and I still get excited thinking about using it. I bought this camera because while I enjoy and like taking photos I don’t want to invest in a fancy DSLR if I don’t end up using it often. With Instax you have to get the photo right the first time, there’s no editing or touch ups. For Christmas, I got a pink Instax backpack which matches my camera to keep my camera, film and accessories in. I can’t wait to capture memories in 2017!


Thank you for reading as always and I hope 2016 was as beneficial for you as it was for me! Let me know some of your highlights!

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