heartbreak – Chanelle Hayley

February has been the strangest month I’ve had for a while. The first half I was upbeat and the second felt like everything came crashing down. At the time this post is published it’s been about 10 days since my boyfriend broke up with me. It feels like I only just told people I was in a relationship again. To say the break up wasn’t expected is an understatement, two weeks before the break up we had such a lovely night together and we spent Valentine’s Day in each other’s company. I don’t know what changed and maybe I never will but after sharing THIS photo and caption on Instagram everyone online and in person has been so kind and supportive. I didn’t like the decision and I can’t change it but I know I’ll be okay and I genuinely wish him happiness.

Onto this month’s favourites:

1. Silver stardust 15mm hoop earrings – These earrings were a gift for my birthday in January and they are beautiful. They are lightweight and dainty with a bit of an edge at the same time. The ball on the hoop is textured and designed to have a star dust effect. I love how pretty these look on, they go with everything and can be worn dressed up or down, I’ve been enjoying wearing them to work to add a touch of glam.

2. New bed – During the time I had off between Christmas and New Year I went bed shopping. I don’t think I’ve had a new bed since I was a kid and I was hesitant to switch from my previous bed as it was so comfy but I don’t regret my decision. The mattress took about a month to arrive as they are made to order and I chose a plush chiropractic model so it will be soft and good for my back too. I don’t have back problems but I did read plush mattresses are good to provide support for petite people and I didn’t want a medium mattress in case it wasn’t quite soft enough. The bed was delivered at the start of February and I have been sleeping well, most nights I don’t wake up at all (that’s quite normal for me) and it’s been easy to adjust. A practical purchase that will last for years.

3. BECCA Shimmering Skin Perfector in Prismatic Amethyst – The lavender duo-chrome shift to this highlighter is stunning! Purple works really well with my skintone and I see myself reaching for this a lot when I’m wearing pinks and purples on my eyes and lips. I tend to stay away from pink highlighters (apart from Rose Quartz also by BECCA) as they can emphasise redness, purples don’t do that. The formula is up to the usual dreamy BECCA standard and I’m even more pleased I purchased this with the news that the brand will be going out of business later this year.

4. MOR hand cream in Juicy Blooms – I purchased a MOR hand cream trio in 2019 and after recently finishing up a hand cream I selected one of the scents from the trio to use next. I tend to use scents that match seasons and this one seemed nice and summery. Juicy Blooms has citrus notes blended with sweet almond oil and cocoa seed butter. The hand cream is incredibly soft and soaks in quickly whilst still feeling hydrating and being non-greasy. I haven’t painted my nails for a few weeks and they look and feel strong which I think is partly down to the formula of this hand cream.

February Highlights

February 5th. Everything about this day was wonderful; I had a day off work, I slept in, I wore a cute outfit (including a skirt which I rarely do), I spent the night with my boyfriend singing along to music and he said he loved me which was a big step as he told me he hadn’t felt that or said it to anyone before.
I purchased the Pat McGrath Mthrshp Mega: Celestial Divinity palette. I’ve used it a few times but I’m excited to play with it more.
Again, I’m impressed with my strength and ability to bounce back when I’m faced with adversity. Every day I’m getting stronger and more resilient.

February’s Spotify Playlist:

Share one of your highlights for the month and what you’ve been up to in the comments!

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I contemplated whether writing this post is something I wanted to do and for the longest time I didn’t think I needed to write it. I don’t owe anyone an explanation and I’m not writing this for sympathy. I write and share because I want to help and support anyone else going through a similar situation.

I was broken up with via a text message one Monday evening in April 2018. It is my first heartbreak experience as he was my first boyfriend. The breakup was a shock but after what led to the breakup I wasn’t surprised it happened. It still saddened me. My ex-boyfriend and I had been together for the best part of two years and during that time he was my rock. We talked every day, I felt like I had a true best friend who wanted the best for me and I wanted the best for him. We never argued or fought and in a number of ways I couldn’t ask for a better first relationship. I knew I could talk to him about anything, I could be serious, I could be sad, I could be goofy and he got all of me. I felt a sense of comfort with him that I don’t feel around many people. He made me feel beautiful and he was kind. Naively, I didn’t think he would hurt me the way he did.

We weren’t a typical couple in every aspect and I appreciate that. We didn’t go out for dinner or to restaurants (we’re both fussy eaters), we didn’t take many pictures together (not because we didn’t want to) and we never had romantic time away, we just wanted to be around each other and watch movies or eat pizza and talk and laugh. We always showed affection with touches or cuddles and I would do cute little things like leave the toilet seat up after I’d used it and pull the bed up in the morning. We were a team and it’s nice to have that constant support and sense of belonging and being important to someone. We knew we could rely on each other and we didn’t let the other one down. He was never late to pick me up, he didn’t try to make excuses not to see me, we wanted to be together as much as we could, we were so in love!

When you go from all of that to nothing within a couple of days, it’s terrifying and you ask yourself so many questions. Maybe there were times I could have been a better girlfriend but I know I loved him with all of my heart and I made sure I showed it. Quite soon after the breakup I concluded I loved him more than he loved me and he meant more to me than I did to him or else he wouldn’t have let this happen. I’m not saying his love for me wasn’t real but it was a different kind of love. He was my everything and I also questioned if that’s where I went wrong – making someone my whole world. The more I think about it the more I realise that’s what love is, you’d do anything for that person and their happiness is your happiness. I wasn’t scared to find love for the first time but part of me is scared to find it now.

So, how did it all end? I believe the relationship ended because another person got involved, not because either of the two people in the relationship actually wanted it to. It’s almost as if the decision was forced on him and he could only see the relationship working how it had been and if that changed it wouldn’t work anymore. Two days before the Monday I got the text about “going our separate ways” my ex-boyfriend dropped me home and less than two hours later I received hurtful text messages from his mother. These messages were threatening to say the least and I was accused of being heartless, thinking myself superior, driving a wedge between her and her son, going around destroying families and treating her home like a hotel. She also said she only put up with me because she loves her son. I still struggle with the fact that she never approached me prior to the messages or said anything to my face despite me being in her home hours earlier. I didn’t retaliate to the messages and kept calm but now part of me wishes I had and maybe I would have got to the bottom of everything.

Two days after I was broken up with my ex-boyfriend came to drop off a few things and say ‘goodbye’ and I read out a letter I’d written. I’ve kept the letter and one of the lines I wrote says part of me will love him forever. You always remember your first love and I wish it hadn’t ended the way it did. What hurts me now is not what I was accused of because I know it’s not true but that he didn’t think I was worth fighting for. I need someone who goes after what they truly want and isn’t afraid to fight when things get hard. Love isn’t always easy and I hope he is happy with his choice because I know he won’t find another Chanelle. I’m not perfect and he may not want another Chanelle but I know I am honest and dependable and a good person with a heart so full of love who never wants to hurt anyone else. I would never have hurt him if it had been the other way round and my mum had sent him the kind of messages I got.

You’re constantly reminded of that person and it’s hard when you don’t hate them. I hate what he did and what he let happen but I don’t hate the person he is. What also makes it hard is the fact we didn’t cut contact with each other (told you we weren’t a typical couple). I haven’t heard from him for a couple of weeks now but we’re still Facebook friends and when we broke up he said he wanted to help if he could. Part of me knows I should let him go and from now on I’m going to try not to initiate conversation.

It’s not easy some days. I go through periods of not feeling good enough for anyone and wondering if I’ll find someone else but I know deep down I want to find love again because it’s beautiful. I’ve also experienced feelings of shame and guilt about not wanting to be kissed or touched and it will take time for those to subside and be brave and let someone in again. Going forward I will be even more cautious than I was before and I need to think of myself now.

My advice if you’re going through a breakup or something similar, cry and feel whatever you need to feel to get closure. Your emotions will be up and down and some weeks you’ll be fine until you get frustrated and want to cry and scream. Write down your feelings and even if you throw away the bits of paper afterwards, getting them out often helps and makes your mind feel clearer. Take time to do what you enjoy, my biggest love is music and sometimes singing sad lyrics doesn’t help but music will always be there for me. Confide in people you feel close to, I spoke to a few blogging friends (Claire, Dannii and Katie) shortly after the breakup and they were so kind and made me see this wasn’t my fault. I don’t know if I could have prevented the breakup but through talking to my ex it sounds like the same thing has happened before. He basically admitted if he was living by himself it probably wouldn’t have happened.

I don’t want to feel bitter and I don’t want to be a cynic but you never know when things could change and while that’s scary you can’t prevent it. When my breakup happened I described it as walking down a street and being hit by a bus completely out of nowhere. I don’t like that it happened and it didn’t need to happen the way it did. Try not to be an asshole in a world that is full of cruelty. Whether you’re in love, whether you’ve been hurt by love or whether you’re looking for it, always be kind and accepting.

There are positive things that have come out of this breakup, I’ve lost weight, I’ve bought a car and am starting to drive and I’m getting new glasses. I’m still kind, sweet Chanelle who loves to laugh and wear bold lipstick and no one can take that away from me!

A huge thank you to everyone for their support over the past few months. If you have any questions about this post or advice, please share in the comments!

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