Hello + An Explanation

Hello, how are you? I hope you’re doing well! Sitting down to write this feels a little strange, it’s been over a month since I last posted and I think that’s the longest time I have gone without blogging without planning to. Let me start by saying July was an EXPERIENCE. It was definitely the hardest month of 2020 so far for me. I wanted to document some of what has happened to help me process it better.

The first few days of July started off well considering I had my second bout of tonsillitis for the year and was waiting for the result of my Covid swab. (It was negative by the way, don’t worry. I was advised to get swabbed as a result of my sore throat but the doctor and I were confident it would be negative). I was also talking to a guy and had been for the previous four months, pre-Covid and pre-lockdown. I’m very much a one person at a time girl and I was proud of myself for managing to keep this exchange going for that amount of time. I did have the occasional wobble and think am I boring this guy but then I told myself he wouldn’t message almost everyday for four months if he didn’t enjoy the conversation. We’d mentioned meeting in person more than once and obviously the first two months we chatted people couldn’t go out and socialise so I figured once the levels dropped it would happen. I get a little nervous when it comes to making plans because so many times they haven’t ended up happening or guys flake out and disappear off the face of the earth.

I had a Friday off work coming up and found out this guy finished work early on a Friday so I suggested we meet the following week to grab some food to which he agreed. The new week arrives and I don’t hear anything for a couple of days but I’m not someone who is always on my phone and understand life gets busy so I didn’t worry. On Thursday of that week my mum starts getting chills and feeling really cold and a few hours later her breathing starts going down. My mum is a severe asthmatic and any little niggle sets it off. The next day her breathing was continuing to decline and I mentioned seeing the doctor but I know how much they scare her. If I can keep her calm we can manage but the following day (Saturday) she called an ambulance and was admitted to hospital. This began two and a half weeks of struggles for both of us, I knew she was in the best place to get help but she wasn’t getting the help she needed. There were a number of mistakes made and things that didn’t need to happen that did.

The first week we saw progress and I managed to go to work and visit in the afternoons but things changed when a doctor prescribed her morphine. I still don’t understand why it was prescribed because she wasn’t complaining about pain. The drug didn’t fully affect her for a few days and then I started to notice strange behaviour. Mum seemed paranoid/scared, angry, not interested in talking to me, confused and was hallucinating and seeing things in her room that weren’t there. It was frightening to watch and she wasn’t aware she was acting that way which was more concerning. This was week two and I was barely at work, I wasn’t coming home in the evenings like the previous week because I was scared to leave her and she was scared when I wasn’t there. I basically lived at the hospital. I requested the doctors stop giving morphine and they did but the comedown was hard. The worst day was Thursday, July 23rd. I phoned my brother and urged him to come down as up until that point I was doing everything on my own and I hadn’t slept and eaten properly for days. I also phoned my boss in a state and she was so kind and understanding and later that day a work colleague came up to see if I was alright and took me to get something to eat.

My brother arrived on Friday and on Friday mum had improved from the day before. The doctors came around to say she would be discharged and we could go home. Mum was so happy to come home after being in hospital for two weeks but around 12 hours after being discharged she was re-admitted with dehydration. Mum had been on a machine that was helping her to breathe but because it pumps warm air into your body she was sweating a lot and losing her fluids. Mum was put on a drip which is something I thought they would have done before the re-admission. A couple of days later she was discharged again and has been home since. We did have a third setback and she ended up needing a second course of antibiotics from her GP but fingers crossed we’re on the home stretch now.

This takes me back to the guy I was talking to. I haven’t heard from him since before mum went into hospital which is about a month ago now. I did think about messaging him occasionally but most days didn’t have time, things would change that often and were unpredictable. I was also curious if he’d check in with me and he didn’t so I had a feeling I was going to be ghosted. A couple of days before the end of July I messaged him and explained what had happened and didn’t get a response. I’m not completely cruel and don’t like to think bad of people and maybe there’s something else going on there that I didn’t know about or he has been hurt before but it still sucks if someone doesn’t have the balls to be honest and can’t give you an explanation. It might be uncomfortable at the time but in the long run it’s less painful. I am close to giving up on trying to find a relationship to be honest, it’s hard to give so much of yourself and get nothing back and to feel like you’ve given time to someone who is stringing you along is disheartening.

July was a real mix of emotions and despite the crappy hand I was dealt there were also good moments. Ellie Goulding released a new album, Delta Goodrem announced shows in New Zealand for next April and I learnt yet more life lessons about people and who to trust. As twisted as it sounds the bad can sometimes lead to the good. Let’s hope the rest of the year is calmer and better things are around the corner.

Let me know what you’ve been up to in the last month?

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22 thoughts on “Hello + An Explanation

  1. danniijane says:

    I’m so sorry to hear all this it must have been terrifying for you and your mum! Do they know what caused her to be so ill? And is she doing better now?❤ That sucks! I understand 4 months of talking to someone then nothing must be upsetting but if someone can just ghost you then they’re not worth it. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chanelle says:

      The morphine was horrible and a big part of it. She didn’t feel hungry and wasn’t eating much so she was given laxatives despite not needing them and then after a few days she couldn’t stop going to the toilet so she lost the fluids she was drinking which caused the dehydration and low magnesium. She is eating and drinking normally now 🙂 I’m the right person to be with her as I know her best.

      Wrong of me to think this one would be different despite being a bit older than me. It’s not my loss, I know I act maturely and don’t try to lead people astray so that’s all that matters.

      Thanks for always being so kind xx

      Like

      • danniijane says:

        Do they know what made her ill in the first place like why she had to go hospital? Blesd her glad she’s on the mend. I know it must have been stressful but you are the best person to look after your mum and I’m sure she’s very grateful❤ Oh yes definitely. You aren’t missing out at all, he seems very immature to just ghost after 4 months. Silly boy xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Chanelle says:

        As she gets older her asthma gets worse, she’s always had it pretty bad but each time she gets sick it will take her longer to get better. She’s had a lot of hospital admissions because of it.

        If he tries to contact me in a few weeks or a few months I can’t say I’d be surprised because that tends to be another pattern. People are strange creatures xx

        Like

      • danniijane says:

        Oh bless her. I know asthma is horrid as I have it too and it’s often not taken as seriously as it should be. Sending your mum lots of love❤ You’re right people do that I don’t understand it. If he does ignore him. You know you deserve better xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. 50shad3s0fjay says:

    Everything Dannii said! Hun- I am so sorry about your mama but so glad she’s home now. I’m sure it’s only up from here, girl, you’re SO brave and strong! Sending all the love ❤️❤️❤️ You are one beautiful human, your mama is so lucky to have you looking after her as well as you did! I’m so sorry you guys had to go through that, I send my prayers that from now on, your days are happier and in good health more than ever!

    Girl, that guy is so not worth your time! Remember, the Universe removed him from your life so someone better can come along! You are so beautiful, inside and out, so I know your Prince will come in divine timing. Lots of love ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chanelle says:

      As she gets older her asthma complications get more severe but she’s a fighter! I know mum best so I’m glad it’s me looking after her too.

      I feel like a bit of an idiot for falling into the trap of being played again but I know at the end of the day I’m a good, honest person who tries not to hurt anyone x

      Like

  3. Hollie George says:

    Wow, I’m so sorry to hear all of this! That must’ve been heartbreaking seeing your mum like that, she’s very lucky to have someone like you around. Hope she’s recovering well now. 💖 Boys are honestly so confusing. 🙄 If he can’t find a spare second to message you back, even after you explained everything about your mum, then he’s definitely not worth it! You’re such a lovely person and the right guy will 100% come along.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chanelle says:

      We’re definitely a good team her and I 🙂

      This one wasn’t a boy, more like a man but yes, still confusing! The way I see it, I’m not missing out, they are. I wouldn’t do that to them, I know I’m a good person and eventually someone will see that too ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Rachael - Helpless Whilst Drying says:

    Wow that sounds like a big and stressful month – I’m sorry you had to go through that – I hope your Mum is well on the way to being on the mend now.
    Seems very strange that the guy suddenly disappeared after months of talking every day – but sounds like you might have dodged a bullet. The right person will come along for you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chanelle says:

      Mum’s progress is slow and it will take her a while to get her energy and strength back but it’s so good to have her home.
      I’m used to guys disappearing by now but it did leave me questioning whether it was planned for while or more of a snap decision, not sure which I’d prefer haha. I know eventually my luck will change (surely!) and I’ll keep waiting patiently x

      Like

  5. chloeburford says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your mum being unwell, a few years back my mum was rushed into hospital and I remember it being so traumatic and terrifying. Sending you both lots of love! Dating can be so tricky, it can go from being the best time ever to the worst time, plus boys are a whole different breed! I really am so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through it recently but I have every faith that things will start looking up. The right one is out there for everyone 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chanelle says:

      I have witnessed my mum sick a few times but each time is still upsetting to watch, she’s a fighter though!
      Boys/men scare me a little, I don’t feel intimidated by them but I haven’t grown up with a lot of males in my life and the experiences I have had haven’t been positive and I find them a little unpredictable. I’m not saying everyone is like that but I do get put off dating a little bit 😦 I’ll find someone when I’m supposed to x

      Like

  6. Rossy Galaxy says:

    Aw love my heart goes out to you and your family! I’m sorry you had to deal with so much. I hope your mom is doing better now. The hospital giving her morphine really raises some questions..

    And girl, if someone isn’t reciprocating your feelings, it’s not worth it and you need not waste your time there. There is no need to think you’ve done something wrong, it’s quite the opposite actually. Trust me when I say, when the right guy comes along, it will feel so easy and natural. 💖 sending lots of love to ya, hope August has been loads better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chanelle says:

      My mum is still rather unwell but she’s such a trooper!

      The conversation did feel easy and natural, I don’t get sucked in easily and I really thought this person was different. August is on par with July, both months have been really hard 😢 thank you for the support ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rossy Galaxy says:

        I’m sorry to hear doll!
        You can always slide into my DMs on insta if you feel like venting a little or just to talk. 🙂 I know people always say that, but I really mean it. I will be here if you ever need me 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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