Cry and smile

I try my hardest to keep my blog a positive space but I also use it as an outlet to write about my thoughts instead of bottling them up. Call this post a ramble if you like but in reality it is simply me trying to make sense of what’s in my head.

I worry A LOT. I worry about tiny insignificant details but to me they are huge. One of the things stressing me out at the moment is my birthday. In most ways I’m really excited about it and have an idea what I’d like to do but when I start thinking about the finer details little doubts start to creep into my mind. If I invite people out to dinner and to go clubbing will they want to come? My mum has been wracking her brains trying to think of a gift idea and when she says, “I have no idea what to get you,” I know she means it in a good way, she wants to get me something special and wants me to like it but I feel a bit like a burden. I’d hate to think people spend time stressing over what to buy me or think I’m difficult to buy for.

For me, I’ve never thought of my birthday as a special enough occasion to be celebrated. I’ve never done anything extravagant and I’m not a party/drinks girl (I wouldn’t even have enough people to invite to call it a party). I guess in a completely selfish way what I really want are people to celebrate my day with me and make me feel loved/appreciated. Last year one person texted me happy birthday (my brother) and a friend turned up at my house completely forgetting it was my birthday. It upsets me that I feel like I’m not as important to people as they are to me but in some ways I wouldn’t change my thoughtfulness because I know what it’s like to be sad and I hate seeing other people be anything other than happy.

I’m still having no luck on the job front and pretty much everyday consists of eat, sleep, repeat. After my obligatory flood of tears (at least once a month) I try my best to put my smile back on and focus on something else. Exercise has been a big help because I always feel better after my cycling or focusing on a new fitness challenge. I’m not at my idea of ‘perfection’ but every step gets me closer.

Despite what I said I AM excited for my birthday and I’m taking steps to make sure I do something fun and spend it with the right people. The year started off on a high so these past couple of days have just been a speed bump in the otherwise happy road.

“Not everyday is perfect but there is something perfect in everyday.”

Sorry for rambling, you deserve a gold star if you read all of that! Like I said, this post was purely to get my thoughts out.

Sending you all big hugs,
Chanelle x

14 thoughts on “Cry and smile

  1. Karen Rees says:

    Hi Chanelle, I’m a massive worrier too, so I feel I can sympathise with how you feel as I’ve been there many many times before too. It’s a draining place to be, and the emotions can be overwhelming to the point you don’t know how to contain or handle them. I hope you don’t mind me saying but it sounds to me like your self-confidence is really taking a knocking at the moment and because of that you feel a bit of a spare part… the major thing is you’re absolutely not! Not in any way!!!! Clearly your mum loves you very much but is at a bit of a loss as to what to get you for your birthday… maybe a day spent together on a girly shopping trip would be good or even an overnight break away with her? Doesn’t have to be expensive – just something to look forward too and it will most likely help you lift your moods too.
    Please please please don’t give up – try not to let yourself get swamped in a pity party, you’re a gorgeous young girl with so much life ahead of you. Time to dust off those negative thoughts, give yourself a lot more credit and TELL YOURSELF constantly that there is so much to look forward to. Talking to others is a huge step. Even a careers advisor on the job front?! Sometimes we have a habit of copying and pasting all our problems together and suddenly its like a Tsunami of issues heading our way… I do this and it’s very easy to convince myself I have the world on my shoulders… take what’s bothering you and work on it bit by bit, makes things so much easier. Sending huge hugs!!! โค xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chanelle says:

      Aww thank you very much for your wise words Karen! I feel better now I got that out and am totally ready to keep trying to get where I want to be. Thanks for your suggestions re my birthday too, I will take them on board. I do see a few careers advisor type people so fingers crossed something will pop up soon x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lisa says:

    I have had the same feelings around my birthday. Feeling like an after thought and even have been blamed for not reminding someone that it was coming. I fall in the category of people who don’t want to pull at someones attention over my little holiday which would make me feel a bit self-centered. It’s nice to be remembered because they care enough to put it on their calendar. Not that a gift is necessarily expected, but a text, phone call or whatever would make my day. Sounds like you put the care in fir others and naturally when it’s not reciprocated, it hurts. You are not alone. I havd found that those that “forget” really don’t intend to and quite often feel like an arse when they realize they missed it. There isn’t much to do anout it really other than maje the choice to be happy and lighten your heart about it. Keep your chin up!

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  3. Kaily says:

    Hi Chanelle! Happy almost birthday! At 26, I haven’t done much celebrating myself. I feel like this is because I’ve never wanted to interject myself on others (friends and family included) and that if they really cared they would just read my mind and do something anyway. Why? Because I myself am the kind of person that can read between the lines of what others want and I go out of my way to do things for them, so I assume they will do the same for me. From your post, it seems that we may be alike there… so here is what I’ve finally learned. Most people aren’t like that. They take everything at face value. They care about you, but don’t go out of their way to show it because they don’t realize that they need to prove that they care. They just care and expect you to just know that. Try not to feel down about this because when all is said and done while your friends may forget to wish you a happy birthday, it doesn’t mean for one second that they aren’t glad that you are alive. You are significant to them. If you weren’t, they wouldn’t even talk to you. And as a mother, I can also tell you that you are significant to your mom and that is why she doesn’t know what to get you. She knows that you are so special and so unique that there is NOTHING in this world that she can think to give you that matches what you mean to her. If it makes you feel better, now that my mom has a grand-baby, I don’t even get presents from her anymore ๐Ÿ˜‰ Bahaha. Seriously though. Don’t dwell on the fears and thoughts. Call every friend that YOU VALUE (remember, quality not quantity) and invite them to do something with you personally. And tell your mom what you would like for your birthday. It will make it easier on her ๐Ÿ™‚

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    • Chanelle says:

      This is so sweet, thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to comment on my post and knowing there are other people out there who feel the same as I do is always reassuring โค

      Liked by 1 person

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