I try my hardest to keep my blog a positive space but I also use it as an outlet to write about my thoughts instead of bottling them up. Call this post a ramble if you like but in reality it is simply me trying to make sense of what’s in my head.
I worry A LOT. I worry about tiny insignificant details but to me they are huge. One of the things stressing me out at the moment is my birthday. In most ways I’m really excited about it and have an idea what I’d like to do but when I start thinking about the finer details little doubts start to creep into my mind. If I invite people out to dinner and to go clubbing will they want to come? My mum has been wracking her brains trying to think of a gift idea and when she says, “I have no idea what to get you,” I know she means it in a good way, she wants to get me something special and wants me to like it but I feel a bit like a burden. I’d hate to think people spend time stressing over what to buy me or think I’m difficult to buy for.
For me, I’ve never thought of my birthday as a special enough occasion to be celebrated. I’ve never done anything extravagant and I’m not a party/drinks girl (I wouldn’t even have enough people to invite to call it a party). I guess in a completely selfish way what I really want are people to celebrate my day with me and make me feel loved/appreciated. Last year one person texted me happy birthday (my brother) and a friend turned up at my house completely forgetting it was my birthday. It upsets me that I feel like I’m not as important to people as they are to me but in some ways I wouldn’t change my thoughtfulness because I know what it’s like to be sad and I hate seeing other people be anything other than happy.
I’m still having no luck on the job front and pretty much everyday consists of eat, sleep, repeat. After my obligatory flood of tears (at least once a month) I try my best to put my smile back on and focus on something else. Exercise has been a big help because I always feel better after my cycling or focusing on a new fitness challenge. I’m not at my idea of ‘perfection’ but every step gets me closer.
Despite what I said I AM excited for my birthday and I’m taking steps to make sure I do something fun and spend it with the right people. The year started off on a high so these past couple of days have just been a speed bump in the otherwise happy road.
“Not everyday is perfect but there is something perfect in everyday.”
Sorry for rambling, you deserve a gold star if you read all of that! Like I said, this post was purely to get my thoughts out.
Sending you all big hugs,